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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone. Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you! Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have. Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different. A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!" "That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?" "I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!" "One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously. "Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist." "A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?" "Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed." A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer. A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him - do something." The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead". The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else." The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead." The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340." The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog." "Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!" What is a double-blind study? Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram. Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?" Nurse: "No change yet." Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference. Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next. A doctor gave a guy six months to live. He didn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. Doc tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says "I want another opinion." The doc says "OK, you're ugly too." Patient (lifting arm): Doctor, it hurts when I do this. Doctor: Don't do that. Sign seen on the door of a medical school building: Staph Only Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet? They loved in vein. From the "Selling It" column in the August issue of Consumer Reports: In a sales letter sent to physicians, the Lynn Medical Instrument Co. offered an electronic heart monitor. What struck the physician who sent the letter along to us was the boast that the unit "allows for early detection of sudden cardiac death." We're wondering how much the deceased will appreciate that feature. Scientists say that 90% of all one dollar bills carry germs. Not true! Even a germ can't live on a buck these days. |
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